Is Porn Addiction Destroying Your Marriage?

As the wife…

Have you recently discovered your husband’s porn use, and you feel hurt, betrayed or ready to give up and file for divorce? You may be struggling with a frightening thought: My husband is an addict. Maybe he’s even promised to stop, but the shady behavior continues, and you doubt there’s a way to rebuild trust.

Perhaps this is an incredibly lonely experience that you don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone. You might fear that your husband doesn’t love you anymore. Is he acting emotionally cold or angry toward you? Does his pornography use cause you to feel sexually undesirable? Whenever you try to communicate your hurt, do you feel unvalued, unheard and unsure that your marriage can survive? Is this even a conversation you dare to have?

As the husband…

You may not be getting the sexual satisfaction you need in your marriage, so viewing porn seems like a harmless solution—you’re not cheating or lying, you’re just watching porn, right? That’s pretty much how it always starts. But, does it seem like this “solution” now only creates more problems?

Maybe you’re no longer able to perform optimally during “real” sex. Or, maybe you have been caught sneaking around behind your wife’s back, and now you have thoughts like, I destroyed my marriage. Maybe you feel like your porn use is out of control, and you’re worried about more people finding out about your habit—especially your children or your employer. It’s also very possible you’re tired of having a head full of pornographic images whilst trying to focus on other things.

Deep down, you crave intimacy from the person you love, but you feel unable to bridge the gap between you and your wife. Perhaps you no longer feel worthy of her love.

Having porn disrupt your relationship can be a confusing and hugely painful experience. You may feel as though you and your partner are residing in an emotional desert, where connection and honesty are no longer possible. On top of everything else, you may be wondering if there’s anything you can do to quit porn and save your marriage.

You Are Not Alone 

If your marriage has been affected by porn use, you are not alone. It’s estimated that one in five Australian couples battle intimacy problems triggered by internet porn, according to research from Relationships Australia. The National Counselling Service has also recently found readily accessible online porn leads to a breakdown of trust and an erosion of intimacy in about 21 percent of all relationships.

It’s no secret that lots of people view porn. However, not very many people realize that the effects of watching pornography can be emotionally devastating, for both partners.

Porn addiction is often caused by sexualizing troubling emotions, such as fear, anger, stress, loneliness, shame and boredom. And, it’s no wonder sex seems like a fix to these issues. It can feel like a cattle prod moving people out of being bogged down in bad feelings about their life.

Our society is highly sexualized. There are borderline pornographic images everywhere—including in advertisements that promise to improve our lives. These images can make it seem like everyone is having great sex but you. In truth, people are raising families, attending to careers, keeping a nice house. Not everyone is having amazing sex all the time, and feeling disappointed about it doesn’t make it any easier.

If there is an intimate disconnect in your marriage, porn may seem like a harmless solution. It’s common for marriages and relationships to experience spells of disharmony. As you take on career and parenting responsibilities, there may not be a lot of free time to devote to your relationship. Attempts to initiate sex, from one or both parties, may end in rejection. Porn often starts out as a well-intentioned way to get some relief. You don’t even have to go anywhere to get it. It’s only a click away.  However, as porn use increases, it can become a replacement for “real” intimacy and feed into a cycle of fear, anger, loneliness, shame and boredom. In other words, it causes more problems than it solves.

People who become addicted to porn are not stupid, even if you want to stop and can’t. You’re simply caught in an addictive cycle. You’re not doing this because you’re dirty or disgusting. Porn presents a solution that in the moment dissolves the fear and stress and makes us feel better about ourselves. Porn isn’t real connection though. It’s lonely. Most people don’t finish a porn session feeling great about themselves.

The good news is that help is available. With my support, you can start to understand what’s driving the porn use and develop tools to stop for good.

Porn Addiction Counseling Can Help You Quit Porn

Couples counseling for porn use is hugely effective in breaking the cycle of secrecy and shame. Before we delve much further, it’s important to note that some couples include porn in their healthy sex lives. Those are not the couples I see. I work with couples whose relationships have been deeply hurt by pornography.

In this confidential space, you and your partner have the opportunity to have a prolonged, honest conversation about what is actually happening, as opposed to a fight. Together, we can clear away blame and confusion to explore the motivations behind the behavior. Porn is not personal, and porn use is not necessarily shameful. Sometimes it’s simply a way of scratching an itch. Unfortunately, it is often a method that often causes a great deal of pain for both partners.

Once we know what’s causing the porn compulsion and why, we can strategize on how to eliminate the behavior. We can also practice strategies for meeting each other’s needs in a way that is sustainable and nourishing for both of you.

My angle for this work is to help couples thrive. I am not a religious fundamentalist. I’ve just found in my work that pornography is regularly detrimental to marriages, because it creates a cycle secrecy and shame that leads to prolonged disconnection. Here, we can work to restore the honesty and trust that has been lost.

I’ve been working with couples struggling with porn addiction for 15 years. I, myself, have recovered from this very issue, and I understand that losing sight of what real sex is can be lonely and confusing. I know that this problem is absolutely fixable. With the right help, compulsive or damaging porn use can become a thing of past. I can get you unstuck. You can restore your marriage and experience the stable, connected bond that drew you together again.

You may still have questions or concerns about porn addiction treatment…

I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t want to talk to anyone about this, let alone a stranger.

Listen, everyone feels exactly the same way. I’ve felt the same way at points. It would be abnormal to be excited about sitting down with a stranger to talk about the most intimate aspects of your life. However, talking about it gets easier once you get started. Plus, confidentiality is the cornerstone of what I do.

If your relationship is on the rocks, and the choice is between speaking to me and one of you only seeing your kids on the weekends, I think talking to me is a smart move. I can help.

Can you actually fix this problem?

Yes. If you’re the partner who’s been using porn and you’re motivated to get better, there is a lot of hope for implementing sustainable solutions. There are tried and tested tactics for getting free of the addiction.

We all know when we’ve crossed the line between healthy porn use and not. If you’re looking at it two or three times a day, you’re on dubious ground that tends to accelerate. Don’t wait until disaster strikes—until you lose your job or your marriage. By getting help now, you can secure a more stable future with your partner, family, career and a lot more.

My partner is the one with the problem, and I’m done with the relationship.

It can be horrifying to discover the magnitude of your partner’s pornography addiction. But ask yourself this: Would you stay with your partner if this problem ended? I know this may feel excruciating right now, like the world’s biggest betrayal, but with 3-6 months of treatment, it likely won’t feel this way. You can reconnect with the partner you once knew.

Trust Can Be Restored In Your Relationship

If you’d like to know more about the couples counselling I offer please take a look at the FAQ page.

My practice is based in St Ives on Sydney’s North Shore.